The War in My Mind

I'm forgetful.

I'm the kind of person who should own stock in post it notes. I single handedly keep 3M in business. I'm always late, and a little on the messy side. There are 51 different reminder alerts set on my phone at this moment. I'm also the person who read your email, but probably forgot to respond. Sue me.

I'm also visual. These are all little tricks I've learned along the way to help me be a little less on the scattered side. I decided to put it to good use tonight. Exhibit A:

I am my Beloved's, and his desires are for Me. -Song of Songs 7:10 (emphasis mine)

Where do you find your value? I asked myself this very question this afternoon after a trip to the gym. I'm know to take my diet and exercise regimen overboard. Subconsciously, I have a tendency to let my jean size define me.

I think women are just wired that way, but insecurity is a battle we must fight DAILY, and we have to hit it head on. As I often remind my students, scripture is our only offensive weapon against the Satan's lies. This scripture is dear to me, as it reminds me my Bridegroom desires me just as I am. There's no weight limit at the foot of the cross.

So I put my sword in two strategic places: the mirror and the refrigerator. Two key places the war is waged.

You are beautiful. He desires you so, just as you are.

22 Lessons from 22

I've never been the birthday kind.

They're a hassle and a pain in my opinion. Plus, I hate fall (don't judge me), and since my birthday falls smack in the middle of my least favorite season, I'm not usually anxious for the time to come. My 22nd birthday came this past Monday, and for the first time in my life, I enjoyed the heck out of it.

Mom and Duane surprised me by flying in to spend it with me. We went shopping, ate Japanese, and smoked cigars (man points!). Mostly, the company of loving, familiar faces made the day special. It meant more than I can say to know they were willing to do something so extravagant for me. My heart sings at the thought.

Since I'm in a celebratory mood, I though I would share 22 life lessons I have learned by age 22. Enjoy!

1. There is no church, no pastor, no book that can substitute for daily time spent in the Bible and in prayer. Time spent with Father is the only thing in life that satisfies.
2. Mamas and sisters make the best friends.
3. Make the effort to verbally encourage others every chance you get. Everyone needs to know they are valued and appreciated.
4. Show grace. You never know when you'll need someone to do the same for you..
5. Some people may do nothing but hurt you. If they are in your life for no other reason than to teach you how to forgive, they are valuable.
6. Father radically loves his children the same, whether billionaire, muslim, homeless, gay, straight, pastor, or crack addict. You are no more or less valuable in his eyes than the next.
7. Pray more than you complain.
8. Fight insecurity by daily reminding yourself of your worth in Christ's eyes (Song of Solomon 7:10). Preach the gospel to yourself.
9.God's wrath was completely satisfied in the shed blood of Christ. Stop clinging to your guilt. The cross was enough.
10. The best memories are spontaneous.
11. Fortune favors the brave.
12. The girl worth having waits for no one. (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
13. You can't truly fathom grace until you've experienced it.
14. There is no substitute for your own personal testimony of the love of Christ.
15. Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise regularly, take vitamins daily, break down and see a doctor when necessary.
16. Asking for help breeds humility.
17. You never need a "good excuse" to wear cowboy boots.
18. Be brave enough to share your mistakes, your faults, and your stories. Someone may need to hear them, and it just might make them brave too. (Thanks, Liz)
19. Phone calls are better than text messages. Make time to call your those you love, especially your grandparents.
20. Don't waste time comparing yourself to others. The only useful comparison is to the person you used to be.
21. Family doesn't stop at blood relatives. Father redeems broken things. (Love you, Duane)
22. Whatever you do, do it passionately.

Fall Friendship Swap

I have never, EVER participated in a blog swap of any kind. They totally intimidate me. But when Kristin at Vignettes, I decided to be adventurous and try something new.

I am certianly glad I did! I was paired with the lovely Shelia over at The Failte House. Aside from being an adorable fellow Floridian, the girl is a wicked awesome photographer. So jealous. Check out the awesome gift bag she sent my way-

I totally lucked out! Shelia sent a super cute heart that is decorating my kitchen, along with fabulous pumpkin scents, a to do list pad (I'll be using the heck out of that), and super cute note cards. Her own card is now being displayed with the others I've recieved on the top of my fridge. Snail mail is the best.

Last but not least is my very favorite part of the package. Check out the most adorable handmade headband on earth.

This is how the headband makes me feel:

Seriously, I may never take it off. It supplements the poof SO well.

Thank you Shelia! You made my day!

Three Cheers for Friday!!

I still don't know why Friday is so much fun. I have to get up at 6:30 to work in Daytona Beach tomorrow. Blah.

Alas, adulthood will not steal my joy. Friday still has a little bit of magic, even if the weekend is still 24 hours away.

1. Today, I finished the first season of my newest obsession (read: total time suck) that is Pretty Little Liars. How did I miss out for so long?? Maybe because I haven't turned on a TV in years (only a mild exaggeration, I swear). Laaaaame. Anyway, I cannot get enough of pseudo soap opera. Its like a tamer version of Criminal Minds, and doesn't leave me hiding under the covers at the end of the night. Sometimes, anyway.

If you have any productivity left in you, for pete's sake DON'T DO IT. But if you're lame like me, I would highly recommend picking up the first season, like, yesterday.  Three cheers for junk TV!!!

2. This morning, my sweet Mama sent me a 40% of your entire purchase coupon for Ann Taylor Loft. My heart was happy, until I realized I just put myself on a budget not even 24 hours ago.  But guess what sweet friends...I refrained. I didn't set foot in the heaven on earth that is the Loft. This is a feat and a half for me. Three Cheers for fiscal responsibility!!

3.  This one is the best of all. I got the most epic phone call of my life yesterday from my former bunk mate, a one miss Sarah Hiser.

MY FRIENDS ARE COMING TO VISIT MEEEEE!!!

Yes people, I swear I have friends. They're passing through Jax on Sunday and they are all mine for the day. More to come on this one, but I can't even wait for them to get here.

Three cheers for human contact. Three cheers for sweet mohawks. Three cheers for the Lord's tender way of blessing the snot out of his babies with little things like love from home.

Somewhere Before Contented Peace

Its about time I write something that doesn't include Mitt Romney's name (the first sentence doesn't count, right?)

I'm up late again, and I've been thumbing through old photos. Summer 2011 is my happy place. Its no surprise I landed there on a night like this; a night I can't help but feel something is missing. Maybe its the loneliness talking. Too many nights spent cleaning one's apartment in a strange city can quickly lead to some unwanted soul searching.

Why was I so happy then? That question is answered before I finish writing it. Summer 2011 was a summer spent in total harmony with Father's will, in the company of believers who loved and encouraged me in a way I had never experienced. It was a summer of pouring out, of loving on strangers as though they were my own children (I don't refer to my students as "my babies" for nothing). It was a summer of healing; a summer of falling in love with a King who had pursued my heart for so long. This isn't a major newsflash. Anyone who has kept up with my journey knows exactly what went down that summer.

I suppose the better question is why I keep looking back; why am I searching for that feeling that overwhelmed my heart just a year ago? How do I find myself in the midst of my dream, yet looking back on a sleepless summer full of sweat, tears and breaking?

There's a question I don't have an answer for. I can tell you this though...I SO miss ministry. Don't think I'm wishing my time in this world away. My heart is just longing for something deeper.

Something like this day. I can't tell you how long I fought these kids to accomplish this task. Lap sit was a simple filler game, but I never anticipated the conflict it would bring. Students were uncomfortable with the idea of sitting on a stranger's lap, if only for the sake of a trust exercise.I should have known better...middle schoolers:)

After quite the stern lecture on maturity from yours truly (not my finest hour), I asked students who weren't mature enough to participate to step out and encourage those who were willing to give the exercise a go. Needless to say, they all participated, and they did it!! In a circle, my students sat on the lap of the person behind them, while providing a seat to the person in front of them. I don't know much about physics, but I do know that the weight is supported by the entire group easily. Below, you'll see my babies sitting in a circle for the entirety of "Jesus Loves Me". The interpretive dance was my doing. Grin.

Where does this feeling come from? Is it the high of camp, or simply the peace of doing life the way it was meant to be lived, smack in the middle of Father's will? I don't know where that contentment comes from, but believe you me, I'm searching furiously. Any directions would be greatly appreciated...

There's No Place Like Home...

I never though I would consider any place but Winchester, KY my home. In most ways, it remains home to me, but at the end of my South Florida adventure, I told one of my chapter chairman I was headed back "home", referring, of course, to Jacksonville. I was a little shocked to hear such a thing out of my own mouth. But as soon as I walked through the door of my one bedroom apartment and settled into my bed for a post road trip nap, I was overwhelmed with that comforting familiarity of being home. It may not be Winchester, but I'm finding a little piece of home in Jacksonville, and I can't thank the Lord enough for that sense of peace that I know could only have come from him. Father loves to spoil his girls like that:)

Speaking of being spoiled, his hand was ALL OVER this trip. I've picked up at least 4 awesome new chapters this week, and I'm super excited to work with Chairman who are VERY enthusiastic about Operation Red November. There were a few downsides, though. I've now learned exactly why I wasn't placed in Miami: I'm blonde, and the only Spanish word I know is "taco" (my mother would argue this point).

The chapters in Miami treated me like a princess; quite honestly I think they were under the impression I am wayyyy more important than I actually am. Far be it from me to break that news. Grin.

They scored me a ticket to the Univision Forum at the University of Miami. If you aren't familiar with Univision (which I wasn't until Wednesday night), they are kind of the MSNBC of the Latino community. I'm told Mitt was hit with some pretty tough questions (none of which I followed, as they were asked in Spanish. Once again, I kick myself for not taking it in High School. Sorry Mom.), but I was totally impressed with his answers, particularly when it came to immigration...no doubt a tough subject with this community.

On Thursday, I got to speak at the Florida International University CR General Meeting. For a strongly left leaning community, I was extremely impressed by the turnout. Check out these awesome FIU CRs: 

Florida International University College Republican General Meeting

So now I'm back in Jax, soaking up the next 12 hours worth of time off. I can;t complain though; I count myself unbelievably lucky to have a job doing something I love so, so much. My evening looks a little something like this:

I've given into the PLL hype, with Southern Living and my favorite hot tea to boot.

Michael Buble Pandora. Swoon.

At first glance, I have all the makings of a romantic evening...alone. I ain't mad at it.

Precious friends, I'm off to check out the hype that is Pretty Little Liars. Until next time...

Going Rogue

Well friends, things just got real interesting down here in Jax.

Its complicated. I really should keep my mouth shut on this one. Shocker...I really can do that when absolutely necessary. Grin.

All you need to know is that I had an Elle Woods in a bunny suit on a treadmill moment a few nights ago. If you're confused, allow me to refresh your memory.



Back off silly boys who think blonde hair means zero brain capacity. Mama is going rogue. Starting early tomorrow morning, I'm pulling out of my driveway and hitting every College Republican chapter on the east coast from Jacksonville to Miami.

Being 20 something and on the road is everything I hoped it would be. This is about to get interesting, ladies. I'll keep you posted;)

I do not know what to do, but my eyes are on You

I missed the party. My girl Beth Moore did an online simulcast on Saturday, and because of stinkin adulthood, I didn't make it. Evidently I missed a real good one.

Beth's blog is the only blog I check religiously (you should too. Find it here). I think I stalk her just a tad...its borderline unhealthy. But seriously, have you seen her hair?? Its a mile high. I can only dream of achieving such volume.


Yet, I digress. I logged on this evening to see what Miss Beth has been up to, hoping to find a recap of the event I missed. Did I ever find what I was looking for, and then some! Beth posted a followup book of sorts. A collection of scriptures dealing with the crippling stronghold of fear.

I definitely should have attended this one.

You see, its been a tough week here in Jax. The Lord has done a lot of humbling in this little heart, and let me just say that process never gets any more enjoyable. It sucks. Especially when the humbling comes from those you think know far less than you. Especially when you think you've been doing a bang up job.

Girlfriend, that's what you get for thinking.

Anyhow, when I stumbled across this little gem of a book, I skimmed its contents, saving most for later, but looking for something in particular that might really speak to me tonight. What my Mama keeps reminding me is so very true, girls: When you ask, Father never withholds in the wisdom department (James 1:5-8).

I asked the question a week ago today, not knowing what the coming day would bring. As I recounted my day to the Lord in my journal, I asked him very pointedly, "Was I not supposed to fight this battle myself?" I didn't even get the entire sentence on the page before I heard the answer so very clearly:

The LORD will fight for you; Hold your peace. -Exodus 14:14

Thanks to my precious Aunt who once doubled as my sunday school teacher, I committed this verse to memory, and it has long since been one of my very favorites. It served as a fitting answer to my rather silly question. Of course I wasn't supposed to stand up and fight that one. I'm never meant to fight my own battles. My warrior King has me covered on every front.

So when I stumbled across a passage 2 Chronicles, I heard Father reaffirm his answer in a beautiful way.

You do not have to fight this battle. Position yourselves, stand still, and see the
salvation of the LORD. He is with you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid
or discouraged. Tomorrow, go out to face them, for Yahweh is with you.’”
-2 Chronicles 20:17

Have you ever heard the phrase "jumpin' Jehoshaphat"? I still don't know what it means, but it gets it's name from this guy. My boy Jey was the King of Judah during a time when they were scuffling with the neighboring country of Moab. King Jey knew the time would come that he had to face his enemies, and lets just say the man knew that when the day arrived, they were going to get their tails handed to them. That is, of course, if they fought that battle alone.

King Jey knew better though. He called on the nation of Judah and together, they fell on their faces and worshiped the Almighty. They admitted their weakness, and they sought his direction. You know how it ended? Not a single living Moabite, and so much loot it took 3 days for the men of Judah to collect it all.

My battle is much smaller, but I'm not sure I'm any less terrified than the army of Judah. Centuries later, the command is remains the same. Go face them. Do it tomorrow. Don't waste a single moment. Yahweh is with you, sweet child.

If you're thinking of me tomorrow and you happen to be the praying kind, ask Father to fill me with more courage than I could ever imagine. Pray for wisdom far beyond my 21 years. Pray for softened hearts for those I must confront.

I'm entering confused and helpless, but my battle cry is that of the army of Judah: "We do not know what to do, but our eyes are fixed on you." -2 Chronicles 20:12

A Day Off...

Such a rarity in this field. Days off don't come frequently, and when they do, girl you better cherish it. Today was only partially a day off. Given the holiday (if you can call it that...seems much too positive for such a sad event), Boston asked us to put all campaign activities on hold and instead, devote ourselves to a service project. UNF decided on a food drive for donations to the USO.


There was only one teenisey-weenisey little problem.

I didn't get this memo til 2pm Monday. The pesky thing about a food drive is people can't really donate if they don't know your drive is happening. Obviously, an email blast at 4pm wasn't super effective. To make a long story short, my solution was this:


Yep. $150 dropped at Walmart in SunnyD and granola bars. When the check out man asked which Army I was feeding with all my purchases, I proudly responded "The United States Army, sir." Grin.

Our boys are coming home a little heavier than they left. I hope they are ok with that.

After all was said and done, the future FLOTUS met us at our Manderin office to help sort our items into individual gift bags. One heck of a woman, that Ann Romney.

We also did a little decorating around the UNF student Union today. We weren't able to pull off the flag display most campuses do, so we opted for deco mesh bows instead (and by we, I mean me. Come on now, I'm the lone girl in an office full of men). For a first attempt, I think they turned out pretty awesome.


It didn't hurt that I had a fabulous team helping me assemble all 30 bows at the office last night (read, a 6 year old and two guys I practically begged to join in). Never a dull moment at the Duval Co. Headquarters.

All in all, I'll call it another good day here in Jax-city (Did I just make that up? I think so). Hearts are certainly heavy, but I'm reminded our Father takes broken things and makes them incredibly beautiful, even if its as simple as a pack of cheese crackers and a bottle of Welches.

Dates with My Daddy

I remember the exact moment the image struck me; an image that totally wrecked my view of time spent with Father.

My first semester of college, I spent every Friday afternoon in the Starbucks in the UK student center. I took my Bible along, ordered a venti hot mocha, and curled into the arm chair in the far corner for some time in the word. One October Friday, just before my nineteenth birthday, I sent a quick text to my roommate to let her know I was heading into another "coffee date" with Father, and that I would be unreachable for the next couple of hours. It was in that moment that it hit me: the image of a kind old man nestled into the chair beside me, a steaming cup of coffee clutched in his wrinkled hand, smiling as he waited to listen to the million things running through my head.

A real, actual date, with a real, actual person.

Don't misunderstand my experience. I don't claim that this was some kind of "vision" (nor do I believe God looks like a 95 year old guy), but I'm a very visual learner. This was more of a lesson taught in a way I could really understand. The realization that time spent in the word is meant to be a time of conversation between two people. A time to listen, and a time to share. A time of getting to know one another; the deepening of a relationship, and the strengthening of a love.

Its changed the way I do "quiet times" now. I often return to this image, a reminder that when I open the pages of my well loved (i.e. hanging on by a thread) pink Bible, Father joins me. We enter into conversation. We hang out. In my head, the empty chair across from me is always reserved for him (now you think I'm downright crazy). Time in the scripture was never meant to be a solo chore; if approached this way, there is really no sense in doing it at all.

Father and I had great date tonight. I finally cracked open my copy of Beth Moore's "James" study, and its already challenging the way I study the word. Part of this study involved memorizing James.

That's right. The whole thing.

Crazy as it sounds, I'm giving it a go. I spent this evening at the Starbucks down the road from my apartment copying the first chapter by hand. If you've never tried this exercise, I highly recommend it. Rewriting a passage of scripture forces you to read every single word. I find that it really makes me slow down and chew on what I'm reading, instead of letting my ADD take control and blowing through the passage too fast to meditate on its meaning.


Would you like to join me? We could hold each other accountable! It could be so much fun. You can pick up a copy of Beth Moore's "James: Mercy Triumphs" at your local lifeway store or, order one here.

Another perk of date night? My new favorite fall treat, a salted caramel mocha. I don't even like caramel, but this thing is the bomb dot com.

3 Reasons Today was Fabulous

Shoot, girls. It has been one heck of a day! I mean this in the best of ways, but my goodness I am exhausted. Here are 3 reasons my day was absolutely grand:

1. Super Saturday was today and my CR's showed up in full force! SS is a monthly, nationwide Get Out The Vote effort sponsored by the RNC during which victory centers pack out their offices with volunteers in attempt to make as many live voter contacts as possible. I had 20 CRs attend total, including two who stuck it out for the entire 12 hours! This is the kind of drive and dedication that will swing Florida in our favor come Nov. 6.



2. Guess who finally secured a Chairman for a start up chapter at Flagler College? This girl!! I've been trying to get on their campus for nearly 3 weeks with absolutely ZERO luck. When a sweet English major named Ashli called me today and said she would love to spearhead the effort, I nearly jumped for joy in the office parking lot in my four inch heels. This is probably one of the more exciting moments I've had so far. Three Cheers for an awesome intern who got me the hook up!

3. I'm now enjoying a hot cup of tea in my PJs while lounging on my porch. Is there any better way to unwind from a 14 hour work day than listening to fish leaping in the pond on a clear summer night? If you said there was, I probably wouldn't believe you. Father loves on me with evenings like this...

Tomorrow couldn't be a better day to have off. I can't wait to sleep late, enjoy coffee on the porch, and not think about working for a single second. I love my job, but hey, everybody needs some time off:) Fingers crossed for great pool weather!

I'm still here.

Oh sweet friends, its been a while.

I suppose the updates haven't been on my mind as of late. August was a whirlwind, to say the least. I touched down in every single state in the SEC (Plus D.C.) in the span of 2 weeks, and a week later, found myself in a new home in Jacksonville, FL. I suppose I just can't stay away from the coast.

After camp, I made the trip home and spent a lovely two weeks with my family and the best girlfriends (Plus Brian) in the entire world. Goodness I missed these guys. There is something to be said for the friends you can be totally comfortable around; those who will go in public with you in janky clothes, lay by the pool and plan your non-existant weddings with, and those you can talk politics with as though your opinion actually matters. What a soul refresher it was. Sigh...

So here I am. My first big girl job is underway. I suppose I ought to be a little more intimidated than I am. After all, I'm a part (albiet, a rather small, bottom of the totem pole, insignificant part) of one of the most critical presidential races in modern history. I'm in a very large, very unfamiliar town. I'm living completely alone for the first time in my life. Its often quiet...luckily, I'm quite the introvert. Maybe I'm better suited for this lifestyle than I knew.

I'm happy though. I'm 21 years old (22 a month from today!), and I'm in a field I absolutely adore. Just a week ago, I came face to face with Mitt Romney. I didn't even step on his toe this time...another story for another day. I work with college students and spend my days in a fast paced office run by some truly passionate, awesome people. At the end of the day, I'm being paid to do the things I did for fun in college. What more could a girl possible ask for?

Disclaimer: No toes were harmed in the taking of this photograph.

I'm tired, but I'm content. The Lord is here. I feel him constantly. Fully. I suppose his presence is what drives out the fear that should be here. He has called me here, for such a time as this. What a grand thought it is!

Abudance

Week 8.

Go Hard, then Go Home, right?

I'm not feeling it. Today, I need a good cup of coffee and a good cry. I need my bed and my momma. I need my feet to stop aching and my mind to stop racing.

What happened to the joy?

Oh, I'm just not feeling it. Pray that this week gets better. Pray it passes quickly.

The Awesome and the Not So Awesome

You know how people always ask if you want the good news or the bad news first? Well I'm making an executive decision and going with the good news first.

The Awesome:

Today was the first time I taught Tough Questions and didn't want to shoot myself when it was over. Actually, today was one of my favorite days of teaching ever. Before I teach, I always pray for the Lord to fill me with himself and speak through me. Most of the time, I second guess myself though. I'm never totally confident I'm letting him take the lead, especially when my thoughts are jumbled and nothing comes out the way I want it to.

Not today. I have never been more confident the words said today were not my own. The Holy Spirit showed up and boy, did he ever bring the gospel. Its going to be a great week...my group is the perfect size and they all seem engaged. They asked some pretty great questions too, except for one middle school boy. Anybody want to field this question?

If you can't read the handwriting, it says, "What does the verse mean that says you should stone your wife if she is not a virgin? Is it wrong?"

I don't know kid, but I'm positive you don't have a wife, so how about we don't worry about that one?

The Not So Awesome:

Turns out the cold I've been fighting for the last several days is actually walking pneumonia. Honestly, I think it sounds way more intense than it actually is. I had to go to urgent treatment this evening, and since I hate the doctor, I had to find some way to lighten the mood while I waited. In the process, I think I've found the cure for a runny nose. Exhibit A:

Call NASA...I'm a genius.

Honestly, I think it sounds way more intense than it actually is. Regardless, I have been sentenced to bed rest while everyone else does camp. So far I've found little to do with myself. I'll be stir crazy in T-24 hours.

Sooooo...if you're praying, there's a new one. I'm fine, I swear. But if you want to send cookies, I guess that's ok too:)

Love From Home and A Few Requests

Hello again!!

Its a great day to be in PCB, first because week 6 is kicking off as we speak! I'm hanging out in the Registration room at the moment, and almost all of our churches have already arrived...PTL for early registration days!

The second and most important reason its a great day is because I GOT MAIL!!! I receive mail on occasion, but when a letter arrives addressed to Claudia Taylor, I know its about to get good, because it probably came from my family (they're the only people who call me that, and I secretly love it. I suppose its not a secret anymore though). This one was extra special...a handwritten letter from one of my favorite men on the entire planet. Thanks, Papa. You brightened my day more than you know.

Now that I'm off to such a fabulous start, I'm really looking forward to an awesome week. Can you believe there are only three to go? Me neither. As you are doing whatever you do day to day, I hope you will lift up a few things for us down in the Panhandle:

1. Due to low numbers, our staff has begun to head home for the summer. This morning we lost two lovely ladies...they were such a huge asset to our team and will be sorely missed. Please pray that transitions will be smooth; both for us at PCB as we learn to do camp without them, and for Miriam and Brooke as they make the sometimes difficult transition back to "real life".

2. I'm tackling "Tough Questions" track again this week. In this track, students ask some of their most difficult questions about the christian faith, such as why God allows suffering and whether or not absolute truth exists. Its fun to delve into these topics, but they can get hairy. The first attempt was less than ideal on my part. Pray the Lord would bring students with good questions and teachable hearts. Please pray he would daily fill me with HIS words and HIS answers, and that I would be completely dependent on him in my teaching. Pray that I will be diligent in all my preparations.

3. Pray for joy and energy for our staff. Week 6 is when you really begin to realize how tired you are, and for many of us (namely, me), its the point when illness sets in. Ask the Lord to multiply our sleep and give us the energy to push through and give students all we have as though we were as rested as we began on Week 1.

You're prayers are so precious to me. Please let me know how I can pray for you too. I would love nothing more than to be lifting you up this week!!

The iPhone Dump: A Recap of Weeks 4 & 5

Why, Hello There!

I've missed you something terrible! Its been a wild couple of weeks here in PCB, and I simply haven't made the time to keep you up to date...silly me:) I did manage to snap a couple pictures though, and I would just LOVE to share them with you!

1. Staff Appreciation Dinner was last Sunday night. This is the one night of the summer we all put on something besides a staff t shirt, fix our hair, and hit the town for a great meal courtesy of Lifeway. This was taken after dinner with my partner in office crime and beautiful DD (that's development director, not designated driver. Those aren't Lifeway-approved activities). I think she looks like Carrie Underwood. Totally jealous.

2. When things get crazy, I tend to push cleaning to the back of my mind. Think its time to tackle my corner of the office?

3. For the second time in my whole life, my team actually won mega relay. This is not something to brag about, as the opposing team boasted a median age of 50. Given my record, I'll take it. #supernovaswag

4. When it comes time to open the store, we tend to hit the sleep drunk stage and begin participating in ridiculous and often unsafe activities like climbing on shoulders to open the store windows. At least we have a great team of spotters. Spoons not forks!!

5. The Fourth of July was done big in PCB. The Rec team (plus katie and myself) all decked out in our very best patriotic attire. Picture left to right are Redneck Katie, Florist with an American Flag on his face, Captain America, The Statue of Liberty, and Miss America.

6. A favorite christmas week tradition is called "Pimp My Mega", during which one must wear whatever costume their Secret Santa picks for them. Katie is a cupcake...her costume was the cutest, hands down.

7. Congrats to Miss Burrows, brand new fifth grade teacher!! We celebrated Brooke's first  big girl job with a super yummy german chocolate cake during paper party.

8. Wednesdays are my favorite night, because this is the night Dave lets me wear the headset and sit in the sound booth. The only problem is that Wednesday is also Secret agent costume night. Luckily, Gracie Lou Freebush can wear her headset over her tiara.

9. Katie and Florist rocking the drums during indoor rainy day rec rally.

10. This will be one of my favorite camp stories in history. Last Thursday, we received a letter in the mail from a recent high school graduate and a week 4 camper. During his week at camp, the Lord called him to Africa as a missionary. Enclosed in his letter was a personal check for $700 which he requested be added to the weekly missions offering. $700 dollars is a HUGE amount of money for a high school student (heck, its a huge amount of money for me). This is one of the most radical displays of obedience I have ever witnessed and has really challenged me to reevaluate my own giving.

11. Remember that one time I co-taught College Bible study with Katie and Forrest?? So. Much. Fun. This was our rec rotation for the week with a hilarious note from our rec director. We're kinda obsessed with each other.

12. Ahhhh...closing celebration. Poor Katie fell asleep sitting up while on the headset. She SWEARS she was just praying...

13. Week 4 College group was INCREDIBLE. It was so encouraging to pour into these men and women who brought their students to camp expecting to pour into them all week. I hope they were half as blessed by our time together as I was. I'm so jealous of what they get to do every single day.

That concludes my week(s) review. Week 6 kicks off bright and early...I'll be posting a list of ways you can be praying, so be sure to check in.

I love y'all to pieces.

A Dangerous Prayer.

About five years ago, I conned my mother into letting me travel to Koln, Germany to work on a church plant in the city. I learned many things during my few short weeks there (one being that missions in Western Europe is not my calling), and surprisingly enough, most of what the Lord did in me did not occur on the field, but rather in our times of worship and training under our IMB missionary, Jeff Simmons.

The Dom Cathedral in Koln. This has to be one of the most massive and stunning structures I've ever laid eyes on.      The Dom is wholly responsible for my obsession with Gothic architecture. 

In one particular lesson, Jeff talked about a time in which he prayed that he would learn what it meant to be desperate for the Lord. In the weeks following that prayer, his car was broken into and most of its contents were stolen. This included all of the paperwork for every team he would host that summer, making it virtually impossible to bring mission groups from the states to work along side him in 2007.

But God...

I don't recall the details and I suppose they aren't important. What mattered was that in July 2007, I was in Koln working under Jeff, despite a small logistical nightmare. The Lord did his thing without the paperwork, and he taught Jeff the lesson he asked for. That day, he challenged each of us to pray that same prayer. I chickened out.

Until five years later.

When our leadership team met for the very first time, I prayed that dangerous prayer. I asked the Lord to make me desperate for him, and oh did he deliver. In the last two months, he has completely shattered my confidence in my own abilities. I came into this summer thinking that I would be a good fit to serve as the Finance Director. Administration is my strong suit, and I was ready to rock this position. Amid the lost receipts, botched reports, and a serious lack of patience when it comes to managing the Fuge Store, Father put me in my place. My only talents are the ones he gives me. Even with the best of intentions, I can only serve him if I'm allowing him to work through me. I'm learning to beg for his help every step of the way...every second of every day. I know what it feels like to be desperate for him.

I seemed to be on a roll with these dangerous prayers, so why not pray one more? This prayer easily scared me the most; I laid a friend in the Lord's hands, promising I would let go of the relationship if that is what he asked. I don't know if he wants to take this friendship away or allow it to remain, and though I hope he allows it to continue, I'm relinquishing the power to make that choice. Losing this friendship is scary, but what terrifies me all the more is stepping outside of Father's will for even a moment.

If you haven't heard, I had the opportunity to co-teach college bible study this week. Totally intimidating on the surface, but totally awesome in real life. During rec on Friday, our group was assigned to conquer the wall. Basically, there is a 12 ft wall on the rec field, and the object of the initiative is to lift your entire team up and over the wall safely. Its a powerful exercise, and though I have yet to experience this myself, many leaders have seen salvations in their students at the top of the wall. Anyway, as I debriefed with my group, I came to a revelation of sorts. Its shocking how willing I am to put my life in the hands of 14 near strangers and trust that they won't let me fall. The wall is reserved for 11th graders and older because it is extremely dangerous if not done properly. If my team were to drop me, I could easily break my back. But that didn't stop me for a second. In fact, the idea never really crossed my mind.

This is my rear being pulled over the wall. Sweet Forrest tried to lift me over by himself, which turned out to be horribly unsuccessful. Kudos to Katie and the student who has me in what appears to be a headlock.

Why am I so quick to place my trust in these total strangers, yet I struggle so much to lay my life in the hands of the Almighty?

Trusting the Father is a choice. I'm choosing to trust that he loves me. I'm choosing to trust his word is good. I'm choosing to trust he never goes back on a promise, and I'm choosing to trust that he is for me and not against me.

Dangerous prayers shouldn't be so scary. The cutting is painful, but the surgery brings health to our souls. I want Lord to do the hard work that needs to be done on my heart, and if that means approaching him boldly with seemingly dangerous requests, than that is what I will continue to do.

Oh, how I want to look more like Jesus...

Approaching Boldly

Bold prayers are dangerous. When we're willing to make bold, difficult requests, I think the Lord honors those. I think we're the ones who don't always know exactly what were asking for. Then we get an answer that isn't quite like we planned.

So much on my heart tonight, yet so little energy to share it. Maybe I'll find sims tins tomorrow to catch you up.

Goodnight my sweet friends.

iPhone Dump: Week 3 in Review

Happy Saturday, friends! There is no one on earth who is more happy for this day to have arrived than yours truly. I've been fighting a nasty head cold all week that has left me talking like a man and keeping my roommates up to all hours of the night with ungodly noises reminiscent of the whooping cough. Needless to say, I'll be spending most of the day in my PJs drinking pots upon pots of folders gourmet roast and catching up on reading for fun (who does that anymore??)

I'd like to start a new weekly tradition to spice things up and give you a really fun look into my week at camp. Most of my updates tend to be heavy; something the Lord is teaching me, specific requests for prayer for my students and team, or a super cool way Father moved during that day. These are undoubtedly my favorite stories to share, but I'm sure you guys would enjoy something a little more lighthearted every now and then. In light of this, I have come up with a genius solution: The iPhone Dump. Every Friday, I'll clean out all the pictures I've taken on my handy iPhone so you can get in on some of these random, fun, and totally pointless parts of my week. Sound like fun? Yayyy!!!

Now friends, I present to you PCB Fuge Week 3!

1. Hanging out with my sweet friend, staff Video Producer, annnnnnd world class bass play, Gage LeGreca.

2. This is my friend Robert, who happens to have a really sweet South African accent. Totally jealous. Here, Robert is teaching a 7th grader the science behind the glow stick he just sold to said student. Upon seeing the glow stick, Robert, who is always exceptionally happy, exclaimed "Glow sticks are my very favorite thing!" When I mentioned that everything is Robert's favorite, he replied in a very serious voice, "Oh no, Mama Tay. I really do love them. Not a day goes by I don't wish I had a glow stick." I suppose you would have had to be there...

3.Another week of beginning Mega Relay with the National Anthem (courtesy of Zack Doyle on the trumpet). This never, ever gets old.

4. A few of Julie's students "tebowing" before running the 7th and 8th grade Mega heat. Too funny.

5. A student gave this to me in the store. He was serious.

6. I hope you recognize this precious face. Ellen's mom sent this to me yesterday, along with some exciting news: ITS A GIRL!!! Ellen will be a big sister come November. I can't believe I won't be meeting the new baby. Sigh...

7. A $50 from the missions offering this week, which totaled a whopping $4,507 for missionaries in Sub Saharan Africa. This bill touched my heart, not because it was defaced (with the best of intentions, I'm sure), but because it was given by a middle school student. $50 bucks is a ton of money to a 13 year old. Kudos to the Bible Study leader that drove home sacrificial giving.

8. The name is spreading. Students all over campus seem to believe that my name is "Mama Tay". I'll take that over "gullywasher" any day of the week.

Exceeding, Abundant Love.

We claim we don't understand how God works. We quote the old prophet Isaiah; you know, his ways are higher than ours? (Is. 55:8-9)

I don't think we really mean that.

We try to figure him out. We explain him. Sometimes, we even attempt to defend him, as if the God of the Universe needs to justify his actions. 

I've been guilty. Theres a student so dear to my heart that her name is mentioned every time I share my testimony. This little redhead was a spitfire last summer and she is such an integral part of my testimony that sometimes I convince myself I've known her much longer than just a year. I am thoroughly convinced that the Lord used the first 15 years of my life to prepare me to minister to this sweet baby last summer. He used her to minister to me too.

And then, I decided he was done.

I assumed he was done using her. I assumed he was done using me to love on her. Then, I saw that sweet red head barrel through the doors of the worship center last night, and Father lovingly whispered in my ear:

Silly girl, your ways are not my ways. 

After conversations with our camp director and her youth leader, I learned that this student brought with her an entirely new set of baggage this summer. Something fresh. Something different. Something painful. Yet something wholly relevant. I was shocked to learn that my old student was now fighting the very battle I've been silently and secretly fighting for several years; or should I say, the battle that has been waged against me for several years. It is only in the last 3 months that the Lord has given me the strength to stand firm and fight back. 

Father took the first 15 years of my life and prepared me to minister to this very student last summer; Of that I was certain. What I never expected was to find that he would be taking this last year to prepare me to love on her in a entirely new way. 

I beg you to pray that the Lord would move in unbelievable ways in this student this week. Pray He would overwhelm her with his unfailing love. Pray he would reveal to her the value she has in HIS eyes. Pray for healing. Pray he would give me opportunities to pour myself out, prepare me with his words, and fill me to the brim with his spirit. Pray I will be ready. 

When we pray for Father to do exceedingly, abundantly more than all we could ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20), we think we can figure him out. Thank goodness he can prove me wrong. Thank goodness he can shock the socks off of me. 

Thank goodness his ways are not my own.

Don't Waste Your Life.

They always told me that camp would prepare me to pull all nighters in college...I never expected it to happen the other way around.

Its currently 2am. I just returned from Walmart, and I have about two hours of work ahead of me to prepare for tomorrow. I have a lesson to outline and Rec games still to learn. At 6:30, it will be time to wake up and prepare for the first full day of camp. If you're not doing the math, I'm looking at about 2.5 hours of sleep tonight.

Mama Tay likes her sleep.

Normally, I'd be stressed and furious over this situation. I won't say I'm not stressed...I'm freaking out in my head. But thanks to my good friend Lecrae, I got a little perspective tonight. I put his album on while driving home from Walmart. That, along with one very large Redbull, was my attempt to keep myself going. My current favorite Lecrae song is "Don't Waste Your Life". I'm in the process of learning it in its entirety; it is so full of truth that I can't help but get fired up while listening to it. Tonight, a line in the 3rd verse really struck a chord with me:

Here's my gifts and time, cuz I'm constantly trying to be used to praise the Christ. 

Similar words cover the walls of my friend Denae's Bible Study room. The top of her missions wall reads "Our time is not our own..." in large block letters. Its a powerful statement, really. My time here isn't my own. I'm tired, but is it better to be exhausted and pouring myself out, glorifying Father in the process, or to be well rested yet totally ineffective.

On the first of many sleepless nights at camp, I'm reminded that my time isn't mine. Its given to me only to show the world that Christ is divine. I've got 20 11th and 12th graders coming to class tomorrow expecting a word from the Lord, and I want him to use me. I'm going in guns blazing. If that means I don't get any sleep tonight...whatever.

I sure could use your prayers.

 

Do You Know Your Enemy?

Today, we hit the 15 day mark since our last day off. I'm spent, but it feels good. Our entire staff arrived last Thursday and let me just say, this group has the potential to be really, really incredible. Outside of our leadership team, there are only 3 other staffers who have worked camp in the past, and even our worship leader is brand new to the Fuge world. Its a daunting task to train 18 brand new staffers but my goodness, I have never seen a group of people so eager to learn and so willing to jump in and do the dirty work in 90 degree temperatures and humidity so high, your sunglasses fog up the moment you step outside. The smiles never leave their faces and they work together with so much joy. All other locations ought to be jealous of our PCB team :)

One of my very favorite parts of training week is called "Staff Share and Prayer" (or, if you are among the boys on our team, Staff Stare and Prayer, because of course, they think they are funny). Throughout the week, each staffer gets 15 minutes to tell the team their story; how they met the Lord, how he has changed their lives, their heart for ministry, and what life looks like for them after camp. Its a chance for us to get to know one another on a much deeper level and learn how to pray for our team as we minister together.

Each summer, I am continually surprised by the trials each staff members has faced. Rarely do you find someone working at Fuge who has had a picture perfect life; I've often wondered if Fuge hires these people on purpose because they are able to relate to our students so well. No matter how many times I hear a story of trial and redemption, it never fails to break me. These last few days have been no exception, and I have been particularly touched by the stories of the ladies on staff. Though our circumstances differ, it is so very clear that as women, we each fight the same battles. Feelings of inadequacy and insecurity plague our hearts, all rooted in the shame we feel as a result of a choice we made or a wrong done against us we were powerless to stop.

Father is using the stories to give me a glimpse into the strategies of the enemy. After hearing a particularly painful testimony (which I will not share out of respect for privacy), I stormed out of the auditorium furious at a thing I could not see. If ever I doubted, I now know that the Satan is a dirty, nasty, filthy liar. He has a knack for getting inside our heads and feeding us pointed, crippling lies.

You'll never be enough.


You deserved what was done to you. You asked for it.


No one else has ever messed up as badly as you. God could never forgive you for that.


You're a slut. You are filthy and defiled.


You're a hypocrite. 


You're used, damaged goods.

No one loves you. 

No one sees you. 

No one cares about the things you're going through.

You are totally and completely alone.


Sometimes we forget we're at war. Our enemy is not passive in his attacks; indeed, they are thoroughly thought out and carefully executed. They're personalized and they're effective if we don't know what we are up against. Because our enemy is not attacking passively, we CANNOT respond passively. Satan knows where you're weak, and he knows exactly what will tear you down. Shouldn't we know all the more?

In one of the most widely quoted writings on military strategy of all time, Chinese General Sun Tzu warns, "If you are ignorant of both your enemy and yourself, you are certain to be in peril."

In any war, be it between opposing nations or Satan and God's people, it is imperative we remain constantly vigilant of our enemy's presence. He never quits, and his tactics never change. His goal has remained unchanging through the entire course of history: to bring death to everything that is good and pleasing to God. His tactic is to speak lies to us, making us believe that we are either unworthy of the Lord's favor, or that God's favor is unworthy of our time. Our enemy can be understood if we will only take the time to prepare for battle.

When the enemy whispers lies into our hearts, one must fight back with the truth. In Ephesians 6, the apostle Paul calls us to put on the full armor of God. Its important to note that the only offensive weapon listed in that call is a sword - "The sword of the spirit, which is the Word of God." If we're going to fight, we have to go in guns blazing, armed with the truth of scripture.

That unchanging truth is simple; God is love. His love stretches far beyond our mistakes and our circumstances; each and every one was known to him, and yet he did not hesitate to go to the cross. He went to that cross for YOU.

When you hear a lie, it is imperative to know that Father would NEVER utter those words to you.

You are his precious child.

You are his beautiful daughter.

You are known.

You are fully forgiven. You sins are scattered as far as the east is from the west.

You are his baby.

He WILL protect you.

He WILL fight for you.

He calls you beloved.

You are safe in his arms.

Armed with the truth, we cannot allow the Father of Lies tell us anything else.

Program Training: Summer Camp for Grown Ups

Shoot. I'm beginning to remember why blogging frequently is such a lofty goal at Fuge. Maybe its because we run from 7 in the morning to nearly 11 every night. I feel safe in saying that is why I am dog tired tonight. Regardless, I'd like to catch you up on my first week back in PCB.

Lets just say I'm not cut out for manual labor (shock of the century). Tuesday and Wednesday were spent unloading 2 semi trucks packed with everything we will need to run camp this summer. Box after box was lifted out of the truck, sorted, counted and hauled across Shalimar's campus. Storage units were emptied and organized, sets were assembled, and much sweating occurred. I so wish I was one of those girls who just "glisten" when they get overheated. Alas, I still sweat like a man. Needless to say the first few days were exhausting and smelly.

On Friday afternoon, I began to train for my new position as Finance Director at PCB. While certainly necessary, these sessions were an ADD child's worst nightmare. Try making me sit still for seven-ish hours at a time. I swear I don't know how I survived grade school sometimes.

The evenings were wonderful though. At night, every member of leadership from each of Fuge's 15 locations packed into the PCB auditorium for a time of worship. I don't know that I've ever experienced anything quite as awesome as worshiping Father with these guys. There is something extra special about coming into the presence of God in the company of diehard, unashamed believers. Seriously, when was the last time you watched someone drop to their knees in awe of Father, with a total disregard for what others might think? Its a refreshing sight.

My leadership staff is incredible. I'm seriously pumped to be serving alongside these guys for the summer. Tonight we went out for Chinese...Picture 5 girls packed into a jeep while RAPPING praise and dancing like fools. We talk about things like acting and dressing in a way that is respectful to the guys we work with. We ask one another for accountability in consistent time alone with the Lord. Goodness, I've missed this kind of fellowship. I love being with people who share the same heart. I can already tell I'm going to LOVE these women.

As you pray in the coming days, please ask Father to bring the details together as we prepare for the rest of the staff to arrive. Ask that he prepare my heart, to allow me to do my work well, and to show me how to lean on his strength second by second. Your partnership in prayer means so much to me.

I'M BACK!!!

You know that phenomenal feeling you get when you come home after an unbelievably stressful day and put on your very favorite sweatpants? You know, the ones that are 3 shades lighter than when you first bought them and probably have a couple of holes in the hem because they're just a little too long (or is that just my problem??) Its that feeling of being comfortable...at ease...totally and completely at peace. That is how I feel right now.

I didn't just put on my worn out Fuge sweats though. Instead, I have a fresh cup of coffee and I've just sunk myself into my favorite booth at Panera Bread in Panama City. I'm FINALLY back. Goodness gracious, there have been times in the last few months that I thought this moment would never arrive. I feel so content to be in a familiar place where the Lord and I convened over hot coffee so many times last summer.

This morning, I said goodbye to my precious family. They are on vacation in Clearwater this week, and I got to spend a couple days relaxing with them before it was time to make my way to PCB. Before I hit the road about 9 this morning, my whole family gathered in the living room of the condo to pray over me. I wish I could have snapped a photo to share with you...what a precious sight it was! I'm continually reminded how crazy blessed I am to have a family that wholeheartedly supports this ministry. They're my own little army of prayer warriors.

As I made the 7 hour trip to the panhandle in the silence of my little jeep (silence is painful for me, as I'm sure you know), I couldn't help but wonder...Would you like to join them?

I once heard it said that not all of us are called to full-time ministry, but we are ALL called to ministry in some kind. There's a good chance most of you aren't able to drop everything and do camp for a summer (though I SO wish you could). You may be a nurse, an accountant, or a McDonald's drive-thru worker. Whatever you do, you are so very necessary (especially you McDonald's guys...I can't live without my $1 sweet tea), and while you do whatever Father has called you too, you are still very much able to be involved in ministry. I have a simple request of those who desire to come aboard: Join the army of those interceding on behalf of the PCB Fuge team this summer. We desperately, desperately covet your prayers as Father stretches us beyond belief while we love on camp babies (who are actually teenagers) and testify to the gospel of the grace of which we are all partakers.

I'll do my best to update you frequently. For now, here are a few requests you can take to our Father:

1. JOY. The 6 members of our leadership staff are arriving today, along with our coordinator, Mark, and we will be setting up camp for the rest of the staff to arrive. Its a mundane task, but one that must be done. Over the next few days, pray that God will give us joy as we prepare to get down to the good stuff.

2. Quick Friendships. Its scary walking into a group of strangers, and though there is comfort in knowing we share the same passion for the gospel, the "newness" can be awkward and intimidating (again, that could just be my own weirdness). Pray our team will bond quickly as we prepare to serve in unity.

3. Teachable hearts. Most of us are coming to camp to teach. Being teachers, we often forget to that we too are still learning. Pray our hearts would be mailable; that we would willingly serve as student teachers this summer. Our ministry will certainly suffer if we aren't growing daily ourselves.

Its time for me to run. I have 6 minutes until I'm officially late:) I'm so, so grateful you are joining me in this. I'll keep you posted on what Father is up to down here. I can't wait to see!!

Love you all!!!

Where is the Good in Goodbye?

Disclaimer: This was actually written last Thursday, but for editing purposes, was not posted until today. References to “today” actually mean Thursday. Not that you probably actually care…)

I am so very broken tonight. When it comes to these things, I try so hard to stay positive, but I don’t have it in me today. I  believe Father for the promise in Rom. 8:28, I do, but this is one of those times I carry to him my broken little heart, weeping as I say I simply do not understand.

I hope you won’t think of this as melodramatic. To be honest, I’m quite shocked at myself for reacting this way. If nothing else, I trust the mommas reading this will understand. (disclaimer 2: I am NOT a mother myself. I swear.) Allow me to back up and explain.

On October 7, 2010, I met the love of my life. She came to me at just six weeks old, and I will never forget the first time I saw her. She was sound asleep under what became her very favorite green crochet blankie, and all I remember thinking was that I never knew a human being could be that small.

Ellen was a doll to be sure, and I had just been hired as her nanny. I have no doubt this was a God thing, because I had been searching for a job for a few months, and I was COMPLETELY unqualified for this one. My only experience with babies was making faces at them from a few pews back during church, so aside from thinking they were adorable, I hadn’t the faintest idea what to do with one.

Much to my shock, Ellen’s mother placed the baby in my arms after only five minutes of my arrival and quickly ran out to work. I had no idea what to do with her, but I began to learn as I went. We spent a lot of time rocking and reading (The very first book we read together was- I kid you not- Gone with the Wind.) and I sang to her often. To this day, she is the only audience who actually smiled when I sang. I also found that she loved being propped up on my legs. We would sit like this all the time while I talked and she made faces back at me. I took this picture during this very routine on our first afternoon together. The look on that face just screams Woman, who are you and WHY do you talk so funny??

Ellen and I spent countless hours together, especially in those first few months. Her mother is an attorney, and just a few days after Ellen was born, one of her cases was sent to the US supreme court. An exciting time, no doubt, but nearly impossible with a newborn on your hands. In the months during that case, Ellen and I spent countless hours together as I learned by trial and error how to care for a baby. I began to pick up on what she loved and what she hated, how to make her laugh and how to make her take a nap. And during those first few months, I fell head over heels in love.

Today, almost two years after our very first afternoon together, I had to say goodbye to Ellen for the last time. A few weeks ago, her parents informed me that they would be taking new jobs in Maine. They were scheduled to leave at the beginning of July, so when I left for camp, I would probably not ever see Ellen again.

I’m sure you can figure out how this went down today. Normally, Ellen is the one throwing a temper tantrum, so when her dad came home from work to pick her up, I don’t think he was expecting to see me in tears instead. We aren’t talking about graceful tears either. My red face was covered in a mixture of snot and mascara (gross, I know.) and I struggled to make coherent sentences.  I don’t really recall the last time I cried that hard. In fact, I don’t really remember the last time I cried at all. It is so unlike me, so I think I was more surprised than anyone at my reaction.

Never in my life did I ever think I could love someone as much as I love that little girl, and knowing I will probably never see her again on this side of eternity is more than I can wrap my head around right now. I have witnessed almost every first in her life, from the first time she held her head up alone, to first bites of solid food, first steps and first words. I taught the child to roll over, for crying out loud! (This process is far more complicated than it sounds and relied heavily on live demonstrations by me. I am not ashamed.)

As I reflect on our time together, I now see that Father was using it as one giant object lesson. In a practical sense, I have learned as much about caring for a child as a new parent would (congrats to my future first born…you will not have to be the guinea pig in your baby years).  But more than that, I have learned what giving and receiving unconditional love is all about. I would go so far as to say I’ve gotten the best glimpse a human can get of the way that Father loves his children.

Throughout the tantrums that seemed to have no solution, the hours and hours of the same Elmo DVD on repeat, and even an episode of being pooped on, there was not a moment I thought that Ellen was anything less than the most wonderful baby on earth. If ever I doubted that God loved me fiercely even when I did idiotic things, Ellen taught me that it isn’t even possible. Unconditional love just doesn’t work that way. 

Ellen during one of our many afternoon naps.

The sweet thing was, Ellen seemed just as mesmerized by me as I was by her. I didn’t have to do a thing to earn it…we were best friends and that was that. She took delight in the simplest things; touching (and accidentally pulling) my hair as often as she could get her hands on it, discovering that I too had a belly button just like she did, and kissing my face as often as she could. She once fell asleep on the guest bed while sucking on MY thumb rather than her own. The girl who will replace me has a lot to learn.

Holding Ellen while she slept was the best of all. I loved listening to her quite baby snores and knowing that she wouldn’t nap anywhere else because she loved to cuddle with me; those moments were like hugs from God. Oh how he loves me! Even more, he wants me to take the same delight in him. God WANTS you to be mesmerized by him, wants you to display your affections, and wants you to take comfort in the protection of his arms. I so often fail to lavish that love back on him.

So if you happen to pray for me, please lift me up in the days ahead. I didn’t know this was going to hurt the way it does. My goodness, I’m going to miss that girl.

Snake Attacks and my love for the Twitter

If y’all know me at all, you know I have a deep love for the twitter. I suppose its because my mind runs about a zillion miles an hour at any given point in the day, and sometimes I just don’t have anyone to share it with. My sweet Ellen is the love of my life, but conversations with a two year old are mostly one sided (I pour out my soul to her, and her only advice is, of course, “Elmo”). Twittering seems to cut down on all the junk in my head. Although I should mention, some rando did tweet at me claiming that he would rather follow a fake account for someone’s dog than me. To each his own, I suppose.

But the other reason I love the twitter is that it allows me to get inside other people’s heads. I’m random, and I love people who are. My favorite tweets are not news articles or sports updates, but those that allow me to dip into someone’s thoughts and heart. Not only does twitter allow me to do this with my friends, but with celebrities as well. Its fun to be connected with with such a broad array of people all across the world at any given time.

Now, I must say, my very favorite tweets come from my life long girl crush, Beth Moore. I LOVE the woman, in a totally heterosexual, I want to be her and be her best friend simultaneously kind of way.  She’s from Texas. She has phenomenal hair. She talks just like me. The woman carries a shotgun for pete’s sake! What’s not to love?? Needless to say, I hang on Beth’s every tweet. I watch for them constantly. Sometimes they’re lighthearted, and sometimes the woman can communicate a life changing truth in a mere 140 characters. She blows my mind.

She did it again on Saturday. That afternoon, my twitter best friend said this:

“On a walk thinking about how once you’ve seen a real snake, every old stick begins to look like a snake. Sometimes, its just a stick.”

I’ve been chewing on that one for several days now. Its probably because I can relate so very well. You see, there is a small hole in the step of my porch just large enough for a snake to fit through, and like clockwork every March, a family of garden snakes takes up residence under my front porch. Now, I try to be manly and independent in most things, but when I see a snake, I scream like the girl I am and run like heck. Shoot, I don’t even like looking at pictures of them. So after I catch sight of them in the spring, I become petrified of mowing. I know, I know, they’re more scared of me than I am of them. I don’t really buy that (even if a lawnmower is standing between the two of us). So when I do work up my nerve to get out and cut the grass, every single stick I run into turns into a monstrous rattlesnake. I scream. I run. Sometimes I hit the brink of hyperventilation. When I come to see that its really just a fallen tree limb, I move back into my work until I come across another and repeat the routine.

Its really no way to live.

See, once you’ve encountered something terrifying in your life, something truly devastating that rattles you to the core, its normal to be shaken. Its expected that one would proceed with caution. But when the fear of crossing another snake keeps us from taking care of business, aren’t we missing out on the life Father has called us to?

There’s really an underlying problem in it all. I don’t think its the snake we are afraid of so much. In my life, sometimes I struggle to believe that Father really wants good for me. From my simple, childish perspective, “good” isn’t always the hand I’ve been dealt. But to live in constant fear of crossing another monster, we’re calling scripture a lie. Father promises his children that he has plans for our good and not our harm (Jer. 29:11) and he promises a life of abundance (John 10:10).

The Lord never promised a life of ease. He never promised one of safety in the human sense. But he did promise that he works ALL things together for good (Rom. 8:28). When thinking back to January’s Passion Conference, I am often reminded of some of the most profound words I have ever heard, which were brought from author and Bible teach Christine Caine. In light of dangerous situations, Christine said this:

The end goal of a Christian’s life should never be to arrive at death as safely as possible.

Safety in this life isn’t what I’m after. God’s glory in all circumstances; now THAT’S what I want to chase. I don’t want to live in fear. I don’t want to expect my loving Father to do me harm. He said he wants good for me, and that’s a PROMISE. The dangers we perceive, sometimes they’re not really that scary at all. Sometimes, y’all, that snake in the yard is just a little old stick.