A Dangerous Prayer.

About five years ago, I conned my mother into letting me travel to Koln, Germany to work on a church plant in the city. I learned many things during my few short weeks there (one being that missions in Western Europe is not my calling), and surprisingly enough, most of what the Lord did in me did not occur on the field, but rather in our times of worship and training under our IMB missionary, Jeff Simmons.

The Dom Cathedral in Koln. This has to be one of the most massive and stunning structures I've ever laid eyes on.      The Dom is wholly responsible for my obsession with Gothic architecture. 

In one particular lesson, Jeff talked about a time in which he prayed that he would learn what it meant to be desperate for the Lord. In the weeks following that prayer, his car was broken into and most of its contents were stolen. This included all of the paperwork for every team he would host that summer, making it virtually impossible to bring mission groups from the states to work along side him in 2007.

But God...

I don't recall the details and I suppose they aren't important. What mattered was that in July 2007, I was in Koln working under Jeff, despite a small logistical nightmare. The Lord did his thing without the paperwork, and he taught Jeff the lesson he asked for. That day, he challenged each of us to pray that same prayer. I chickened out.

Until five years later.

When our leadership team met for the very first time, I prayed that dangerous prayer. I asked the Lord to make me desperate for him, and oh did he deliver. In the last two months, he has completely shattered my confidence in my own abilities. I came into this summer thinking that I would be a good fit to serve as the Finance Director. Administration is my strong suit, and I was ready to rock this position. Amid the lost receipts, botched reports, and a serious lack of patience when it comes to managing the Fuge Store, Father put me in my place. My only talents are the ones he gives me. Even with the best of intentions, I can only serve him if I'm allowing him to work through me. I'm learning to beg for his help every step of the way...every second of every day. I know what it feels like to be desperate for him.

I seemed to be on a roll with these dangerous prayers, so why not pray one more? This prayer easily scared me the most; I laid a friend in the Lord's hands, promising I would let go of the relationship if that is what he asked. I don't know if he wants to take this friendship away or allow it to remain, and though I hope he allows it to continue, I'm relinquishing the power to make that choice. Losing this friendship is scary, but what terrifies me all the more is stepping outside of Father's will for even a moment.

If you haven't heard, I had the opportunity to co-teach college bible study this week. Totally intimidating on the surface, but totally awesome in real life. During rec on Friday, our group was assigned to conquer the wall. Basically, there is a 12 ft wall on the rec field, and the object of the initiative is to lift your entire team up and over the wall safely. Its a powerful exercise, and though I have yet to experience this myself, many leaders have seen salvations in their students at the top of the wall. Anyway, as I debriefed with my group, I came to a revelation of sorts. Its shocking how willing I am to put my life in the hands of 14 near strangers and trust that they won't let me fall. The wall is reserved for 11th graders and older because it is extremely dangerous if not done properly. If my team were to drop me, I could easily break my back. But that didn't stop me for a second. In fact, the idea never really crossed my mind.

This is my rear being pulled over the wall. Sweet Forrest tried to lift me over by himself, which turned out to be horribly unsuccessful. Kudos to Katie and the student who has me in what appears to be a headlock.

Why am I so quick to place my trust in these total strangers, yet I struggle so much to lay my life in the hands of the Almighty?

Trusting the Father is a choice. I'm choosing to trust that he loves me. I'm choosing to trust his word is good. I'm choosing to trust he never goes back on a promise, and I'm choosing to trust that he is for me and not against me.

Dangerous prayers shouldn't be so scary. The cutting is painful, but the surgery brings health to our souls. I want Lord to do the hard work that needs to be done on my heart, and if that means approaching him boldly with seemingly dangerous requests, than that is what I will continue to do.

Oh, how I want to look more like Jesus...

Approaching Boldly

Bold prayers are dangerous. When we're willing to make bold, difficult requests, I think the Lord honors those. I think we're the ones who don't always know exactly what were asking for. Then we get an answer that isn't quite like we planned.

So much on my heart tonight, yet so little energy to share it. Maybe I'll find sims tins tomorrow to catch you up.

Goodnight my sweet friends.

iPhone Dump: Week 3 in Review

Happy Saturday, friends! There is no one on earth who is more happy for this day to have arrived than yours truly. I've been fighting a nasty head cold all week that has left me talking like a man and keeping my roommates up to all hours of the night with ungodly noises reminiscent of the whooping cough. Needless to say, I'll be spending most of the day in my PJs drinking pots upon pots of folders gourmet roast and catching up on reading for fun (who does that anymore??)

I'd like to start a new weekly tradition to spice things up and give you a really fun look into my week at camp. Most of my updates tend to be heavy; something the Lord is teaching me, specific requests for prayer for my students and team, or a super cool way Father moved during that day. These are undoubtedly my favorite stories to share, but I'm sure you guys would enjoy something a little more lighthearted every now and then. In light of this, I have come up with a genius solution: The iPhone Dump. Every Friday, I'll clean out all the pictures I've taken on my handy iPhone so you can get in on some of these random, fun, and totally pointless parts of my week. Sound like fun? Yayyy!!!

Now friends, I present to you PCB Fuge Week 3!

1. Hanging out with my sweet friend, staff Video Producer, annnnnnd world class bass play, Gage LeGreca.

2. This is my friend Robert, who happens to have a really sweet South African accent. Totally jealous. Here, Robert is teaching a 7th grader the science behind the glow stick he just sold to said student. Upon seeing the glow stick, Robert, who is always exceptionally happy, exclaimed "Glow sticks are my very favorite thing!" When I mentioned that everything is Robert's favorite, he replied in a very serious voice, "Oh no, Mama Tay. I really do love them. Not a day goes by I don't wish I had a glow stick." I suppose you would have had to be there...

3.Another week of beginning Mega Relay with the National Anthem (courtesy of Zack Doyle on the trumpet). This never, ever gets old.

4. A few of Julie's students "tebowing" before running the 7th and 8th grade Mega heat. Too funny.

5. A student gave this to me in the store. He was serious.

6. I hope you recognize this precious face. Ellen's mom sent this to me yesterday, along with some exciting news: ITS A GIRL!!! Ellen will be a big sister come November. I can't believe I won't be meeting the new baby. Sigh...

7. A $50 from the missions offering this week, which totaled a whopping $4,507 for missionaries in Sub Saharan Africa. This bill touched my heart, not because it was defaced (with the best of intentions, I'm sure), but because it was given by a middle school student. $50 bucks is a ton of money to a 13 year old. Kudos to the Bible Study leader that drove home sacrificial giving.

8. The name is spreading. Students all over campus seem to believe that my name is "Mama Tay". I'll take that over "gullywasher" any day of the week.

Exceeding, Abundant Love.

We claim we don't understand how God works. We quote the old prophet Isaiah; you know, his ways are higher than ours? (Is. 55:8-9)

I don't think we really mean that.

We try to figure him out. We explain him. Sometimes, we even attempt to defend him, as if the God of the Universe needs to justify his actions. 

I've been guilty. Theres a student so dear to my heart that her name is mentioned every time I share my testimony. This little redhead was a spitfire last summer and she is such an integral part of my testimony that sometimes I convince myself I've known her much longer than just a year. I am thoroughly convinced that the Lord used the first 15 years of my life to prepare me to minister to this sweet baby last summer. He used her to minister to me too.

And then, I decided he was done.

I assumed he was done using her. I assumed he was done using me to love on her. Then, I saw that sweet red head barrel through the doors of the worship center last night, and Father lovingly whispered in my ear:

Silly girl, your ways are not my ways. 

After conversations with our camp director and her youth leader, I learned that this student brought with her an entirely new set of baggage this summer. Something fresh. Something different. Something painful. Yet something wholly relevant. I was shocked to learn that my old student was now fighting the very battle I've been silently and secretly fighting for several years; or should I say, the battle that has been waged against me for several years. It is only in the last 3 months that the Lord has given me the strength to stand firm and fight back. 

Father took the first 15 years of my life and prepared me to minister to this very student last summer; Of that I was certain. What I never expected was to find that he would be taking this last year to prepare me to love on her in a entirely new way. 

I beg you to pray that the Lord would move in unbelievable ways in this student this week. Pray He would overwhelm her with his unfailing love. Pray he would reveal to her the value she has in HIS eyes. Pray for healing. Pray he would give me opportunities to pour myself out, prepare me with his words, and fill me to the brim with his spirit. Pray I will be ready. 

When we pray for Father to do exceedingly, abundantly more than all we could ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20), we think we can figure him out. Thank goodness he can prove me wrong. Thank goodness he can shock the socks off of me. 

Thank goodness his ways are not my own.

Don't Waste Your Life.

They always told me that camp would prepare me to pull all nighters in college...I never expected it to happen the other way around.

Its currently 2am. I just returned from Walmart, and I have about two hours of work ahead of me to prepare for tomorrow. I have a lesson to outline and Rec games still to learn. At 6:30, it will be time to wake up and prepare for the first full day of camp. If you're not doing the math, I'm looking at about 2.5 hours of sleep tonight.

Mama Tay likes her sleep.

Normally, I'd be stressed and furious over this situation. I won't say I'm not stressed...I'm freaking out in my head. But thanks to my good friend Lecrae, I got a little perspective tonight. I put his album on while driving home from Walmart. That, along with one very large Redbull, was my attempt to keep myself going. My current favorite Lecrae song is "Don't Waste Your Life". I'm in the process of learning it in its entirety; it is so full of truth that I can't help but get fired up while listening to it. Tonight, a line in the 3rd verse really struck a chord with me:

Here's my gifts and time, cuz I'm constantly trying to be used to praise the Christ. 

Similar words cover the walls of my friend Denae's Bible Study room. The top of her missions wall reads "Our time is not our own..." in large block letters. Its a powerful statement, really. My time here isn't my own. I'm tired, but is it better to be exhausted and pouring myself out, glorifying Father in the process, or to be well rested yet totally ineffective.

On the first of many sleepless nights at camp, I'm reminded that my time isn't mine. Its given to me only to show the world that Christ is divine. I've got 20 11th and 12th graders coming to class tomorrow expecting a word from the Lord, and I want him to use me. I'm going in guns blazing. If that means I don't get any sleep tonight...whatever.

I sure could use your prayers.