A Dangerous Prayer.

About five years ago, I conned my mother into letting me travel to Koln, Germany to work on a church plant in the city. I learned many things during my few short weeks there (one being that missions in Western Europe is not my calling), and surprisingly enough, most of what the Lord did in me did not occur on the field, but rather in our times of worship and training under our IMB missionary, Jeff Simmons.

The Dom Cathedral in Koln. This has to be one of the most massive and stunning structures I've ever laid eyes on.      The Dom is wholly responsible for my obsession with Gothic architecture. 

In one particular lesson, Jeff talked about a time in which he prayed that he would learn what it meant to be desperate for the Lord. In the weeks following that prayer, his car was broken into and most of its contents were stolen. This included all of the paperwork for every team he would host that summer, making it virtually impossible to bring mission groups from the states to work along side him in 2007.

But God...

I don't recall the details and I suppose they aren't important. What mattered was that in July 2007, I was in Koln working under Jeff, despite a small logistical nightmare. The Lord did his thing without the paperwork, and he taught Jeff the lesson he asked for. That day, he challenged each of us to pray that same prayer. I chickened out.

Until five years later.

When our leadership team met for the very first time, I prayed that dangerous prayer. I asked the Lord to make me desperate for him, and oh did he deliver. In the last two months, he has completely shattered my confidence in my own abilities. I came into this summer thinking that I would be a good fit to serve as the Finance Director. Administration is my strong suit, and I was ready to rock this position. Amid the lost receipts, botched reports, and a serious lack of patience when it comes to managing the Fuge Store, Father put me in my place. My only talents are the ones he gives me. Even with the best of intentions, I can only serve him if I'm allowing him to work through me. I'm learning to beg for his help every step of the way...every second of every day. I know what it feels like to be desperate for him.

I seemed to be on a roll with these dangerous prayers, so why not pray one more? This prayer easily scared me the most; I laid a friend in the Lord's hands, promising I would let go of the relationship if that is what he asked. I don't know if he wants to take this friendship away or allow it to remain, and though I hope he allows it to continue, I'm relinquishing the power to make that choice. Losing this friendship is scary, but what terrifies me all the more is stepping outside of Father's will for even a moment.

If you haven't heard, I had the opportunity to co-teach college bible study this week. Totally intimidating on the surface, but totally awesome in real life. During rec on Friday, our group was assigned to conquer the wall. Basically, there is a 12 ft wall on the rec field, and the object of the initiative is to lift your entire team up and over the wall safely. Its a powerful exercise, and though I have yet to experience this myself, many leaders have seen salvations in their students at the top of the wall. Anyway, as I debriefed with my group, I came to a revelation of sorts. Its shocking how willing I am to put my life in the hands of 14 near strangers and trust that they won't let me fall. The wall is reserved for 11th graders and older because it is extremely dangerous if not done properly. If my team were to drop me, I could easily break my back. But that didn't stop me for a second. In fact, the idea never really crossed my mind.

This is my rear being pulled over the wall. Sweet Forrest tried to lift me over by himself, which turned out to be horribly unsuccessful. Kudos to Katie and the student who has me in what appears to be a headlock.

Why am I so quick to place my trust in these total strangers, yet I struggle so much to lay my life in the hands of the Almighty?

Trusting the Father is a choice. I'm choosing to trust that he loves me. I'm choosing to trust his word is good. I'm choosing to trust he never goes back on a promise, and I'm choosing to trust that he is for me and not against me.

Dangerous prayers shouldn't be so scary. The cutting is painful, but the surgery brings health to our souls. I want Lord to do the hard work that needs to be done on my heart, and if that means approaching him boldly with seemingly dangerous requests, than that is what I will continue to do.

Oh, how I want to look more like Jesus...