Disclaimer: This was actually written last Thursday, but for editing purposes, was not posted until today. References to “today” actually mean Thursday. Not that you probably actually care…)
I am so very broken tonight. When it comes to these things, I try so hard to stay positive, but I don’t have it in me today. I believe Father for the promise in Rom. 8:28, I do, but this is one of those times I carry to him my broken little heart, weeping as I say I simply do not understand.
I hope you won’t think of this as melodramatic. To be honest, I’m quite shocked at myself for reacting this way. If nothing else, I trust the mommas reading this will understand. (disclaimer 2: I am NOT a mother myself. I swear.) Allow me to back up and explain.
On October 7, 2010, I met the love of my life. She came to me at just six weeks old, and I will never forget the first time I saw her. She was sound asleep under what became her very favorite green crochet blankie, and all I remember thinking was that I never knew a human being could be that small.
Ellen was a doll to be sure, and I had just been hired as her nanny. I have no doubt this was a God thing, because I had been searching for a job for a few months, and I was COMPLETELY unqualified for this one. My only experience with babies was making faces at them from a few pews back during church, so aside from thinking they were adorable, I hadn’t the faintest idea what to do with one.
Much to my shock, Ellen’s mother placed the baby in my arms after only five minutes of my arrival and quickly ran out to work. I had no idea what to do with her, but I began to learn as I went. We spent a lot of time rocking and reading (The very first book we read together was- I kid you not- Gone with the Wind.) and I sang to her often. To this day, she is the only audience who actually smiled when I sang. I also found that she loved being propped up on my legs. We would sit like this all the time while I talked and she made faces back at me. I took this picture during this very routine on our first afternoon together. The look on that face just screams Woman, who are you and WHY do you talk so funny??
Ellen and I spent countless hours together, especially in those first few months. Her mother is an attorney, and just a few days after Ellen was born, one of her cases was sent to the US supreme court. An exciting time, no doubt, but nearly impossible with a newborn on your hands. In the months during that case, Ellen and I spent countless hours together as I learned by trial and error how to care for a baby. I began to pick up on what she loved and what she hated, how to make her laugh and how to make her take a nap. And during those first few months, I fell head over heels in love.
Today, almost two years after our very first afternoon together, I had to say goodbye to Ellen for the last time. A few weeks ago, her parents informed me that they would be taking new jobs in Maine. They were scheduled to leave at the beginning of July, so when I left for camp, I would probably not ever see Ellen again.
I’m sure you can figure out how this went down today. Normally, Ellen is the one throwing a temper tantrum, so when her dad came home from work to pick her up, I don’t think he was expecting to see me in tears instead. We aren’t talking about graceful tears either. My red face was covered in a mixture of snot and mascara (gross, I know.) and I struggled to make coherent sentences. I don’t really recall the last time I cried that hard. In fact, I don’t really remember the last time I cried at all. It is so unlike me, so I think I was more surprised than anyone at my reaction.
Never in my life did I ever think I could love someone as much as I love that little girl, and knowing I will probably never see her again on this side of eternity is more than I can wrap my head around right now. I have witnessed almost every first in her life, from the first time she held her head up alone, to first bites of solid food, first steps and first words. I taught the child to roll over, for crying out loud! (This process is far more complicated than it sounds and relied heavily on live demonstrations by me. I am not ashamed.)
As I reflect on our time together, I now see that Father was using it as one giant object lesson. In a practical sense, I have learned as much about caring for a child as a new parent would (congrats to my future first born…you will not have to be the guinea pig in your baby years). But more than that, I have learned what giving and receiving unconditional love is all about. I would go so far as to say I’ve gotten the best glimpse a human can get of the way that Father loves his children.
Throughout the tantrums that seemed to have no solution, the hours and hours of the same Elmo DVD on repeat, and even an episode of being pooped on, there was not a moment I thought that Ellen was anything less than the most wonderful baby on earth. If ever I doubted that God loved me fiercely even when I did idiotic things, Ellen taught me that it isn’t even possible. Unconditional love just doesn’t work that way.
Ellen during one of our many afternoon naps.
The sweet thing was, Ellen seemed just as mesmerized by me as I was by her. I didn’t have to do a thing to earn it…we were best friends and that was that. She took delight in the simplest things; touching (and accidentally pulling) my hair as often as she could get her hands on it, discovering that I too had a belly button just like she did, and kissing my face as often as she could. She once fell asleep on the guest bed while sucking on MY thumb rather than her own. The girl who will replace me has a lot to learn.
Holding Ellen while she slept was the best of all. I loved listening to her quite baby snores and knowing that she wouldn’t nap anywhere else because she loved to cuddle with me; those moments were like hugs from God. Oh how he loves me! Even more, he wants me to take the same delight in him. God WANTS you to be mesmerized by him, wants you to display your affections, and wants you to take comfort in the protection of his arms. I so often fail to lavish that love back on him.
So if you happen to pray for me, please lift me up in the days ahead. I didn’t know this was going to hurt the way it does. My goodness, I’m going to miss that girl.
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